The Stanley Parable
Achievement guide · roadmap · tracker
The Stanley Parable is Galactic Cafe's first-person narrative game about Stanley, an office worker, and a plummy Narrator who describes what Stanley does - while you decide whether to obey or defy him. It's one big joke about choice and game design: a branching web of endings reached by following or disobeying the Narrator. There's no linear campaign and no single 100% path - you reach an ending, then restart to explore others.
The achievements match that spirit - almost entirely deliberate jokes and meta-gags rather than skill or progress gates, and most take minutes. Follow the Narrator to the Freedom ending for 
Three are engineered gags: 
Beat the game
CommonComplete The Stanley Parable.
Reach any ending. The simplest is the canonical Freedom ending: follow the Narrator's directions the whole way, through the boss's office and the Mind Control Facility, switch the mind-control power OFF, and walk out into the light.
Welcome back!
CommonQuit the game and then start it again.
A meta-joke. Quit the game fully to desktop, then launch it again - it fires on the restart. No in-game action needed.
You can't jump
CommonNo seriously, we disabled it.
Stanley has no jump. Just keep pressing the jump key (Spacebar); after several presses it unlocks. If nothing happens, enable achievements in Options > Extras.
Achievement
CommonThis is an achievement.
The most on-the-nose gag - the achievement for having achievements. Open Options > Extras and toggle the "Achievement" option on.
Click on door 430 five times.
CommonClick on door 430 five times.
A troll quest, not five clicks. Click door 430 five times; the Narrator refuses and sends you on an errand - click the copy machine, then door 417, climb onto desk 419 (via the box ramp), click door 416, click the copy machine again - then click door 430 five more times to actually unlock it. Just follow the Narrator's prompts.
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On the Freedom-ending route you reach a keypad in the Mind Control Facility. Instead of the real code, just spam the 8 key until it pops - a reference gag, not the correct code.
Go outside
RareDon't play The Stanley Parable for five years.
A joke: "don't play for five years". Legitimately it needs a five-year gap; in practice everyone earns it with the clock trick - quit, set your system clock forward five-plus years, and launch the game.
Speed run
RareComplete The Stanley Parable in under 4 minutes 22 seconds (not including load times)
The one real challenge - reach the Freedom ending in under 4:22 (excluding loads). Route: from spawn take the shortcut to the two open doors, through the boss's office into the Mind Control Facility, set the power to OFF and exit. On repeat runs the Narrator opens the boss-office door for you. Practise it a couple of times first.
Unachievable
LegendaryIt is impossible to get this achievement.
A joke by design - "it is impossible to get this achievement", and in normal play it genuinely is; there's no in-game action that earns it. The only known method is a config/console hack. Treat it as the punchline, not a real objective.
Commitment
LegendaryPlay The Stanley Parable for the entire duration of a Tuesday.
A joke: have the game running for the whole of a Tuesday (local midnight to midnight). Legitimately that's a ~24-hour idle across a Tuesday; in practice it's done with the clock trick - set the system clock to just before Tuesday 00:00 and idle across the rollover.
Breakdown
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