Genital Jousting achievement guide & roadmap



No missable achievements (plus 28 unknown)

No guide has been started yet - please help create one as you play!

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Go Left

Move to the left.

Go Right

Move to the right.

Generous Lover

Finish last in a Party Mode game.

Fire Inspector

Safely deploy all the fire extinguishers. For safety.

Self Defence

Use the cake knife to defend yourself from wedding guests.

A Better John

Swan Tamer

Make peace with a gaggle of swans. Their natural instinct is to kill.

Till Death Do Us

Have sex in the Date Night graveyard.

Always Finishes First

Good at video games. Terrible at sex.


Die a lot of times in your nightmares.


Penetrate yourself in Traditional Mode.

Master Unlocker

Collect enough milk to fill the tank.

Spare Wheel

Be the only one locked out of an ouroborus.

Summer Job

The Perfect Partner

Marry yourself in Abstinence.

My Precious

Get all of the rings in Lord of the Rings.

Popcorn Buffet

Eat a disgusting amount of popcorn.

Meet Your Maker

Most Improved Tapulator

Learn how to literally just navigate the main menu.

Safety First

Everyone survives having sex in a trash-compactor full of needles.


Submit your monthly physical report.

Bulking Gear

Use all the "supplements" you can for maximal gains.

Couch Party

Have enough friends and enough controllers to play an 8 player game.

Appalling Appetite

Fussy Lover

Save yourself for that special orgy.

Early Bird

Swallow every worm.

Sleep No More

Don't let sleeping dongs lie.

Magnetic Basshole

Win Lights Out in under five seconds.